Thursday, September 22, 2011

Letting go

This letting go thing isn't easy.

Now that The Boy is a junior in high school, he isn't so thrilled with having his parents drop him off and pick him up from school. He's been getting a ride to and from school with a friend. (And Katie, I cannot tell you how much I appreciated NOT having to do that early morning drive to school - thank you!!)

I do trust the kids he rides with. I do. They're great kids. And I know they're safe drivers.'s hard. It's hard to let go and know that I am no longer in control. Anything could happen. And I'm not in control.

And, well, I have a confession to make. You see, I am a bit of a control freak. I like things to be organized. I like schedules. I like to be on time. So, this letting go thing is even harder for me.

When The Boy texts me to say, "Hey...I've got a ride home", I panic a tiny bit. I quickly text him back to ask who he is riding with. I breathe a sigh of relief when it is someone I know and trust. Yet I still wait nervously for him to arrive home safely. I insist that he text me when he leaves the school so I know he is on his way. My stomach knots up in nervousness until I know he is home and all is well.

I try to distract myself from my thoughts of what COULD happen now that I'm not in control. I have to remind myself that he is a smart and cautious boy. I take deep breaths and turn on music and pace uncertainly as I wait for my boy/child/man to arrive. I pray, and I pace some more and I hate the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

And then I hear the car door slam and my boy walks confidently through the door and hugs me. "Hey Mom", he says, "how was your day?" I smile at my almost grown up baby and answer nonchalantly, "OK." My stomach settles and my heart slows and I know that he is safe. He is fine. He is growing up and growing away from me and it is OK.

It is OK, but it is not easy.

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