Saturday, August 14, 2010

Delusions of the perfect man, rude jokes and bodily noises

When C was a baby, I was sure I was going to raise a polite young man who would grow up to be the "perfect man".  I was going to teach him to be sensitive (without being a wimp), insightful, caring, generous and polite.  My son would always open doors for ladies, pull chairs out for ladies, have exemplary table manners, would never wear a hat inside, and would never, ever, ever leave a toilet seat up.

I had visions of his future wife thanking me for raising such a perfect man.

I failed.

To whomever his future wife may be, I humbly apologize.  I tried, I really did!  

At first, I thought I was doing quite well.  The battles were fairly easy in the beginning...until...
This sort of thing started happening.

Me:  Honey, it's not polite to put your hand there when other people are around.

Him:  But I like it.

Me:  Hmm, well, yes, but's not nice.  OK?

Him:  I want to!

Me:  No, you have to keep your hand away from there.

Him:  But I like it.

Me:  NO!  Put your hands in your pockets.

Him:  (pouting)

Alright, I have broken him of this habit.  Well, you know...mostly. 

But the toilet seat?

Not so much.
I've tried and tried.  I'm sorry - it's just not working.

Then there is the burping, and pooting, and butt jokes.  Again, I've tried.  I used to be able to gently correct him, and he would listen and say, "Yes ma'am."

But then, he discovered that people laughed at bodily noises.  And people laughed at butt jokes.  

And the ones who laughed the loudest and the most were his favorite audience - his father and his sister.

Let me assure you that dinner time around the VK household is not a staid, somber affair with the correct cutlery and table manners.


P:  hahahahahaheeeeheeeehahahahahaheeheeheeehahahaha.......

Mr. Wonderful:  (smiles)

Me:  C!  What do you say?!

C:  Good one, huh?  

(laughter from everyone but moi)

Me:  That is not funny, young man!  Say excuse me!

C:  (mimicking me) Excuuuuusseee Me.

(more hilarity and laughter from his audience)


(more hilarity and laughter ensue)

P:  (more mimicry) Excuuuse me!

Me:  Uh, Mr. Wonderful?  A little help, here please?

Mr. Wonderful:  Sure, honey.  BUUURRRPPPP.  How's that?

Me:  OK, that's enough.  You DO NOT behave like that at the dinner table.  Use manners.

(more hilarity ensues.  I sigh loudly, and attempt to eat dinner)

C:  (tells a questionable joke regarding bodily noises and butts)

(again with the ridiculous freaking hilarity)

P:  (laughing so hard that she begins choking and gasping for air.  These are NOT ladylike, polite giggles!)

Me:  (glaring at everyone with a disapproving air)

Me:  Mr. Wonderful!  Help me out here!

Mr. Wonderful:  I can't.  It's hopeless.

C:  hahahahahhahahaha

P:  hahahagigglegigglesnortsnorthahahaha.

Me:  sigh

So you see, I have failed.  I haven't just lost the battle, I've lost the damn war.  

I give up.

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