Tuesday, June 22, 2010

How to be a teenage boy on a summer day

1.  Sleep as late as you can.  Sleep until at least 9:30 (preferably later), when your mom starts calling that it is time to get up.  Then pull the blankets over your head and pretend that you didn't hear her.  Wait until she calls you two more times before you get up.  Do this very grudgingly - your sleep is important.  A growing boy needs at least 12, 14 16 hours of sleep per day.

2.  Play with your dog.

3.  Give your dog lots of hugs.  Wrestle with him/her.  They love this.

4.  Don't believe your dog when it acts like it is too tired to run any more.  They're just faking you out.

They can ALWAYS run some more.

5.  Eat a lot.  Eat all the time.  A growing boy needs a LOT to eat.  Don't worry about cleaning up after yourself - that's what your mother is for.

6.  When your mother get exasperated with you for not cleaning up after yourself, just give her a hug and a sweet smile and tell her you love her.  If she is REALLY exasperated, tell her she looks really pretty and young enough that she must have just gotten out of high school.  Moms eat this stuff up.

7.  Then, once she relaxes a bit, ask her if there is anything else to eat.  

8.  By this time your dog might actually be tired.  Probably not, but maybe.  See if you can entertain your parents (and yourself) by pretending to fall into the pool.

9.  It's really fun to do this over and over and over again.  Make sure the parents watch you every single time.  If they're not looking, you'll want to get their attention by calling, "Mom, watch!" over and over until they look over.  If they appear exasperated, repeat #6.

10.  Look for interesting creatures to point out to your mother - Moms love 
being exposed to wildlife.  If she is suitably impressed (scared) you can then "save" her from the wildlife and earn some brownie points.  you can NEVER have too many brownie points.

11.  Be sure to point out that you love the new shoes she bought you SO much, that you can't even bear to take them off while pretending to fall in the pool.

12.  By this point, you are probably starving again, so be sure to ask your mom is she has made dinner yet and if she is planning on going to the grocery store anytime soon.  She will enjoy feeling needed.

13.  When you go inside to take off your swimsuit, just leave it on the bathroom floor.  Your mom will appreciate this - it's helping clean the floor.  Don't believe it when she tells you she would prefer that you hang it up.  Just use your foot to rub the wet suit around on the floor and you can honestly tell her that you "mopped" the floor.  You can hang the suit up later once it is dry.

14.  If you have lost a privilege for any reason ( for example if you are not allowed to go fishing because of a lousy report card) be sure to ask over and over and over if you can do whatever it is you're not supposed to do.  Chances are that you will wear her down, or make her forget she took the privilege away, or she'll just be so sick of you asking that she will give in.  It can't hurt to try, right?

15.  Anytime your parents ask you to do something, ignore them until they have asked (or yelled) at least three times.  That's the only way you'll know that they really mean it.  

16.  Do as little as possible.  If they come looking for you, pretend that you are asleep.  If you really are asleep, that is even better.

17.  Repeat #6 often.  The more you do it, the better off you'll be.

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